How do we want to be treated? Everyone wants to feel important to others, especially those close to us and with whom we interact with on a regular basis (mates, siblings, friends, work and schoolmates). We expect, anticipate, and are usually granted that we get a little more recognition and attention for those relationships than the individual might extend to a stranger or someone they newly meet. We may even have done something nice to assist those individuals, creating in our minds a kind of barter mentality (I did this for them, so they should do that for me). But, sometimes people thoughtlessly do things that make us feel, not necessarily inferior, but certainly less important in their eyes than we expect. And let's face it, less important in our own eyes as well.
But is this in harmony with the concept of humility? Every person does what is most important to them. Sometimes that includes considering us, sometimes it doesn't. 'Who we are' and 'what we deserve' are constructs in our own minds. In reality, none of us 'deserve' anything. 'Earned respect' & 'deserved respect' are not concepts that we should posses about ourselves, but rather, they are ideas that we should engender toward others. We cannot demand them from others nor should we expect it.
"I will respect her because her actions have earned my respect."
"He has sacrificed so much to help me, he deserves my respect."
When we begin to think we deserve earned respect, we start to produce arrogance, pride and hubris. And we set ourselves up for offense. After all, if WE deserve respect from OTHERS, in our own eyes, who really is the most important? Is it in harmony with the thought that we always put others first and that 'there is more happiness in giving than in receiving'? When Luke penned the words of Jesus, he did not qualify it. In other words, neither action, age, office or anything else should be grounds for expecting distinction from others.
Here is the reality. No one, no matter how kind or considerate, will ever be able to make everyone they know feel equally important to them all the time. The more sensitive WE are, feeling that we deserve special consideration (for our sacrifices, actions or office) the more often we will find that others 'lack respect' for us and take insult at the matter.
"But I don't want 'special' consideration, I just want to be considered."
Every moment of the day, we are reassessing our priorities, moving people and actions up and down a list trying to decide what to do and what to say. A lot of things affect that list: time of day, workload, stress, diet, brain chemistry, and not just of one individual, but of everyone with which we interact. What right do we have to expect someone else to de-prioritize everything in their life (or even one thing) to accommodate us? Is that fair to them? Sure making us sit at the kids table when everyone goes out to eat may not be ideal, but someone has to sit apart from the crowd. Would the humble person not prefer that it is themselves and not another?
The reality is that our friends would likely place us in the 1st place in their life 9 times out of 10. But when our number is up on the 10th time and they have to choose us 2nd or 3rd or even 10th... walls crash down around us, our vision becomes myopic, the hairs standup on our neck and we feel like our heart has just been trampled. But, really, is there a need for it?
Putting the needs of others before our own is fundamental to the human condition and human happiness. And it begins on a small scale: holding doors open for others, saying please and thank you, greeting those we meet, waving, shaking hands, small pleasantries genuinely stated. Each one of us should make it our life's mission to be ground zero for being considerate toward others. Even if that attitude is never reflected in those around us and we are never recognized for it.
Never let the monster of hubris grow in your own mind. It is a cancer that once taken root can be very difficult to extract, if ever it can be. If you don't choke it out, it will grow and expand until it dominates every thought and action you have have. Your own behavior is within your power to control, and no one else's. No human can force you to change how you think and act, it's a choice you make. Open your heart when you perceive a slight, recognize that it's likely not a personal attack but, that in this particular situation, you simply aren't being chosen 1st.
If you want a recipe for happiness and peace; choose kindness, consideration and humility and express them to everyone you meet.
ESSAY: Why We Get Our Feelings Hurt
